Gjernima Talks About the AAFP, his Opponents, and some other trivial matters


Lately I have been extremely busy, however, I finally found  enough time to explain some matters regarding the AAFP.  Our latest interview was rather vapid, lacking the vague and ambiguous, yet emotionally charged words such as “the greater good”, “honesty”, “brothers”,”we are the people”, “our nation”, “peace”, “hope and change”, which are typical of any politician’s speech, thus sounding more like a bureaucrat , rather than the charismatic leader we love so much.


Charismatic leaders are dangerous. However, I still think that you should give more information about your intentions. Not generic and meaningless words, of course.


Alright, then. My main concern is the high corruption levels of the Albanian court and government officials. I will have most of the officials with suspicious records removed from their position, and a lot of ministers and cops will go to jail if found with the taxpayer’s money in their pockets. I will be very tough on crime and corruption, since the fear factor seems to be the only thing that can prevent the Albanian politician from stealing or joining parties simply because politics it’s a dutch cow. Not only it won’t be a dutch cow, since I will cut a lot of taxes and unnecessary spending, but it will be also extremely hard to milk, with a 20 year jail sentence risk. This is going to be step one, the Anti-Corruption reform.

Meanwhile, I will make drastic changes on our economical policies. As I said in our previous interview, the government will have a much defined role, concentrating on law and order more than anything else. I will cut many taxes and there won’t be any bullshit project, such as subsidies for farmers or any of that  crap. Not only they’re never implemented, being just an excuse for more taxing, but even if they were, they’d still hurt our economy. I promise that in less than four years, Albania will have a truly free market, attracting more foreign and domestic investors than any of the European nations.

Step three, an improved infrastructure. This is going to be the last step of phase one.


Phase one?


I have noticed that Albanians have become very passive and uninterested in politics. They are tired of the same parties, whose administrations  never bring progress into their country. People are weary and pessimistic, often not voting at all. They need to be shown that progress is not an impossible mission. Phase one is supposed to make their lives at least somewhat better, with more money for their own use, less hand greasing, cheaper and better products on the market, more jobs, better roads and more safety.If people could sense the improvement, they would awake from their lethargic sleep and become more active in their country’s life. If they are satisfied with AAFP’s work, they could vote us again. Phase two will start if I get reelected. Its purpose is to maintain the improvements made in phase one, so that our work doesn’t go in vain. Also there will be a lot of changes in other areas, especially in the Albanian law, which in my opinion is very flawed.


Some left wing organizations are accusing you for trying to Americanize the native culture and spread greed through capitalism, or something  like that.


These people must have watched too much Avatar. ..

Speaking of greed, I think that the so called “leftist” ideology is purely based on greed. No matter how prosperous a society becomes, no matter how much better people live, one cannot ever accept that there are better and more hard-working people out there that outshine him. The left blames capitalism for teaching people to have more and more, instead of being satisfied with earning enough as to sustain life. This is not true. Capitalism makes it possible for everyone to earn as much as they want, provided that they have the skill, talent and vision. While according to the left, equality means that none should be allowed to be better than I am.  Although lacking the talent and intellect of their more successful colleagues, these people  are so jealous, narcissistic and incredibly ambitious, that  they are willing to live in the miserable conditions of Soviet Russia, equal, since all zeros are equal, but at least their little egos won’t be hurt by the success of the more talented.

And Avatar movie is the worst movie I have watched in 2010, it was actually worse than Jennifer’s Body, which although badly acted, at least was entertaining.

Avatar is pure trash, propaganda. It teaches people to judge about politics based on stereotypes and appearances, unlike “One Flew Above The Cuckoo’s Nest” which requires you to capture it’s message in order to apply it to political thought. Avatar’s characters were caricatures which are supposed to represent an entire class of people , there was the greedy corporate a-hole, and the killing machine, sadistic muscular officer, which is supposed to represent the American Army. Now the whole point was to make you hate these characters to death. Avatar Movie is un-educating. Yes, it un-educates you, teaching you of judging on politics based on appearances instead of studying the matters with detail. After a couple a weeks people will forget the movie’s thin plot line and the pathetic dialogue. However, in every war of America against some uncivilized country, they will see the apparent resemblance with the characters and will reach the conclusion that the movie wanted you to reach:  “American soldiers are murdering psychos, war is caused by corporate greed and native civilizations, although I know nothing about them, are inherently good.” People are already applying this to the Iraqi war, even though the Na’ Vi in the movie weren’t suicide bombers who were trying to convert the world by force into their sick fundamentalist religion.

“It’s like he sucked out my brain and planted his babies there”, as Jason from True Blood would say.

The “Albanian Americans for Progress” Explained

Flag-Pins-USA-AlbaniaI was finally able to get Adilim to speak about his latest political project, the Albanian Americans for Progress (AAFP).

Mr Gjernima, have you written your party’s political program?

”Not yet, but I have some pretty elaborate ideas about the policies I am going to pursue. I believe that writing a program is not  nearly as important as having a vision. Every party in the world has a written program. Does that make them better ? No.”

Which is Albania’s biggest problem?

”Bad government. I think that every country suffers from this problem, but Albania is already poor, thus it cannot afford the adventures of some ambitious politician.

When I am elected prime minister, the first thing I will do is replace all government officials that hold positions of power, especially these ones who collect taxes. Not only will there be stricter anti-corruption laws, but I’ll also publish for the public a clear report of the total taxes collected and government expenses. If there’s anything missing…there will be hell to pay.”

That sounds nice, Adilim. But do you really think it’s enough?

”It’s not enough. Although 100% transparency is the goal I am striving for, there will be corruption if the government has a lot of control on the economy.

This happens in every country, but Albanian politicians have a peculiar tendency to steal even more.

I will solve this problem by decreasing the government’s size and by cutting taxes. The import tariff should go. It’s bad because it raises the cost of living and distorts the economic production. My friend’s computer and laptop business was ruined by it.

The sales tax, income tax and estate tax must go too. All they do is multiply the population’s financial problems.

Ah, there is something else: there won’t be any government subsidies for the economy. You either do it yourself, or leave it.

KESH will be privatized and it won’t be a monopoly anymore.”

On what areas are you going to focus?

”Law and order and infrastructure.”

Are you going to legalize drugs?


Adilim explains his donation to the Illyrian Liberation Army

Illyrian Liberation Army

Adilim,  finally you found some to time to explain your generous donation to the Illyrian Liberation Army. You certainly have some explaining to do…

Well, I am aware that this last decision of mine has surprised a lot of people and lost me some friends, but believe me, I have good intentions. The Russian threat is real, everyone who lives in Eastern Europe knows that. People should stand against Russia’s aggressive stance or else they might lose their freedom.

Yes, but don’t you think that allying with an organization that blames the Slavs for the Black Plague,  WW2,  9/11 , the current economic depression and pretty much every other major disaster; is a bitextreme?

I understand what you mean, Krasniq. But my own experience has taught me some interesting things about world politics. Let us consider a simple example, the Arab-Israeli conflict. Everyone blames Israel for the Arabs’ current condition.  Most people never research such topics, and yet they already support one side. It’s very rare for the average person who lives in the other side of the continent to do their own research and then draw the conclusions. Most people do the exact opposite: they already have their own favorite side, and then back their position up with idiotic arguments. About 80 percent of the people I  know fall to the second category.  They are not always crazy people, actually most of them just don’t have the time and will for that stuff. For the average American who  thinks that Albania is located somewhere in Thailand, its easier  for him or her to believe some Anti-Muslim bigotry and think that Albanians are jihadis while Serbs are white-flag-weaving pacifists, instead of actually reading some history books. That’s the first strategy of converting people to your cause: oversimplification based on false information.

The second strategy is a bit more complicated. It’s all about irrationality.

“The grieving Palestinian mother was screaming as the IDF  jet bombed their bathroom and killed their beloved goat named Nakba. The goat had been the family’s only source of income, feeding an entire generation of freedom fighters.  The mother had lost all of her sons in suicide bombings and now she was completely alone. Desperate as she was, she took a handmade grenade and tried to throw it at an Israeli tank. An IDF infantry shot her dead just before she pulled the ring. The woman’s family buried her body and promised  to Allah that they would soon avenge her death.”

Over the top, isn’t it?  Well, it’s not. The average person who knows nothing about the roots of the conflict and all of his information is based on TV reporting would listen such stories very often. And they are true. People see that the Palestinians are suffering while the Jews are wealthy. According to them, the  incredibly hateful and lunatic Arabs must have some valid reason for being all crazy and mad. However, that’s not always the case. And people have trouble admitting that. They always try to rationalize the irrational and end up justifying hatred instead of ending it.

Albanians have suffered during the last century a lot more than Arabs have ever suffered in their entire history. They were expelled from Greece, Yugoslavia and their propriety was confiscated. Kosovars were constantly terrorized when they were under Yugoslavia. We had no Partition Resolution to blow away, never started a 6 days war either. And yet, there has never been any Albanian terrorism. No Albanian lives in a rat-hole just to kill some random Serb or Greek.

Now why are Arabs allowed to do this stuff? Why have they been so amazing at getting undeserved  attention?  Why are they the only people that are allowed to act like barbarians just because a country that they didn’t like much dared to declare its independence?

Finally you’re getting to the point. Why is that so?

Because they are pissed off, Krasniq. The more pissed off you are, the more will people listen to you.

This is why I donated 5 million USD to the ILA. If even Arabs are doing it in order to fight their imaginary problems, then why shouldn’t we Albanians who have real problems do it too?

How Gjernima lost 20 million dollars: The Cheating Detector Device

cheating-detector-implantMr. Gjernima, what inspired you to create the Cheating Detector Device ?

Actually, my idea is not very original. I was watching an episode of The X-Files with those neck implant things, and I thought: “Hey, perhaps Adilim should use a similar technology for tracking people!”

But after thinking about the idea more carefully, it started sounding very unprofitable. Google is way more comfortable, stealthy and efficient than a neck implant. But still, some people might want 24/7  information on a certain person’s location, such as married people who want to make sure that their partners are not cheating on them.

The X-Files? I’d never think you liked that show…

I don’t!  The only reason why I watch it is because that detective chick is smokin’ hot!

No offense, but that’s a very stupid justification for watching a show.

If I’m stupid just because I am wasting 45 minutes of my life watching  a certain show because I think that the female lead is hot, then the rest of Americans who wasted 4 years of their country’s life by voting Obama just because he was charismatic must be f’ing morons!

Anyways, let’s get back to our topic. Anne Wojcicki once told me that when humans are aroused, the heat in their genitals increases.

And that’s all I needed. We teamed up with some scientists and after a year of hard work and research, we finally created our first CDD. It is inserted in the back of the neck and connected with the nervous system, where it gathers information about the hormone flow and body heat. This information is then uploaded to the internet, where it can be accessed by our clients. Here is where the fun part begins: with a simple GPS device you can track your beloved one’s location and find out if they are cheating or not.  The insertion procedure costs about 2000 USD, while the device itself is 9400 USD. As you can see, knowing if your spouse is being loyal is a luxury that only millionaires can afford.

We thought that Saudi men from the royal family would be the perfect customers for this type of product. So we put our first and unfortunately last at the Riyadh Trade Center. None of them were sold…

Why is that so?

Damn Saudis never let their wives get out of their homes! So what the fuck is the point of tracking your wife with a GPS when she’s always at home?!

I’m so pissed off with all this crap!

Alright, Adilim. I think we are finished.

Thank you Krasniq, now I can finally watch some South Park.

Gjernima’s Response to the ACLU Regarding his Solution to the Gypsy Plague

ACLU director Anthony Romero:

Mr. Gjernima, aren’t you aware that your program for the so-called “Gypsy Plague” is racist and offensive?

Adilim Gjernima:

Not  at all. It is discriminating to the gypsies of Europe but that does not make it anti-gypsy, since it will offer them a better quality of life. Dividing people into racial categories and claiming that they need special treatment is racist. And racism can be only fought by forging mutually benefitial relations. And this is what my program offers, a mutually benefitial relationship by ways of which they (the gypsies) get the hell out of Albania—a win for every Albanian man, woman, and child with more than 50 leks in their pocket—while the  Gypsies themselves benefit from the AmeriSoc. We all know that Americans are wealthier than Albanians and tend to give generously to dirty and smelly people. That’s it, mutual benefit. And didn’t I say there is no such thing as a “gypsy race” ?


Wow, Mr Gjernima! I had never considered the issue that way. You are way smarter than the people I work with.


Thanks. I have no reason to doubt your word.

Adilim Gjernima Explains us his Refusal to Date Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton - AlbaniaMr Gjernima, could you explain us why are you refusing to date Paris Hilton?

First of, she’s not even that pretty. Actually, she’s ugly and stupid. Her eyes are fake and she’s skinnier than those stray dogs who used to roam around my old village in Kurvelesh.  So I’d rather date the doctors who have redone her face…

Beauty is only skin deep, Mr Gjernima.

I fear that under Paris Hilton’s skin there is nothing else but bones. But she might pose for my malnutrition awareness program’s posters if she wants to, preferably naked.

Naked? So you’d like to see her naked after all!

No, I don’t. If I really wanted to, I could download some of her videos. But the image of a  naked, malnourished  blonde billionaire might inspire 3rd world countries into better parenting  programs.

Now if you’d excuse me, I will have to attend an albanian politics conference.

Of course. Thank you for sharing your insight with us, Mr Gjernima!

You’re welcome.