How Gjernima lost 20 million dollars: The Cheating Detector Device

cheating-detector-implantMr. Gjernima, what inspired you to create the Cheating Detector Device ?

Actually, my idea is not very original. I was watching an episode of The X-Files with those neck implant things, and I thought: “Hey, perhaps Adilim should use a similar technology for tracking people!”

But after thinking about the idea more carefully, it started sounding very unprofitable. Google is way more comfortable, stealthy and efficient than a neck implant. But still, some people might want 24/7  information on a certain person’s location, such as married people who want to make sure that their partners are not cheating on them.

The X-Files? I’d never think you liked that show…

I don’t!  The only reason why I watch it is because that detective chick is smokin’ hot!

No offense, but that’s a very stupid justification for watching a show.

If I’m stupid just because I am wasting 45 minutes of my life watching  a certain show because I think that the female lead is hot, then the rest of Americans who wasted 4 years of their country’s life by voting Obama just because he was charismatic must be f’ing morons!

Anyways, let’s get back to our topic. Anne Wojcicki once told me that when humans are aroused, the heat in their genitals increases.

And that’s all I needed. We teamed up with some scientists and after a year of hard work and research, we finally created our first CDD. It is inserted in the back of the neck and connected with the nervous system, where it gathers information about the hormone flow and body heat. This information is then uploaded to the internet, where it can be accessed by our clients. Here is where the fun part begins: with a simple GPS device you can track your beloved one’s location and find out if they are cheating or not.  The insertion procedure costs about 2000 USD, while the device itself is 9400 USD. As you can see, knowing if your spouse is being loyal is a luxury that only millionaires can afford.

We thought that Saudi men from the royal family would be the perfect customers for this type of product. So we put our first and unfortunately last at the Riyadh Trade Center. None of them were sold…

Why is that so?

Damn Saudis never let their wives get out of their homes! So what the fuck is the point of tracking your wife with a GPS when she’s always at home?!

I’m so pissed off with all this crap!

Alright, Adilim. I think we are finished.

Thank you Krasniq, now I can finally watch some South Park.

Pristina Welcomes Adilim Gjernima

Students from Pristina celebrate the arrival of Adilim Gjernima
Students from Pristina celebrate the arrival of Adilim Gjernima

Adilim Gjernima, the Albanian-American teenage billionaire, was celebrated in Pristina while visiting the Kosovo capital on business.  Google is considering opening offices in the country and Gjernima was asked to scope out potential locations.

Gjernima’s Response to the ACLU Regarding his Solution to the Gypsy Plague

ACLU director Anthony Romero:

Mr. Gjernima, aren’t you aware that your program for the so-called “Gypsy Plague” is racist and offensive?

Adilim Gjernima:

Not  at all. It is discriminating to the gypsies of Europe but that does not make it anti-gypsy, since it will offer them a better quality of life. Dividing people into racial categories and claiming that they need special treatment is racist. And racism can be only fought by forging mutually benefitial relations. And this is what my program offers, a mutually benefitial relationship by ways of which they (the gypsies) get the hell out of Albania—a win for every Albanian man, woman, and child with more than 50 leks in their pocket—while the  Gypsies themselves benefit from the AmeriSoc. We all know that Americans are wealthier than Albanians and tend to give generously to dirty and smelly people. That’s it, mutual benefit. And didn’t I say there is no such thing as a “gypsy race” ?


Wow, Mr Gjernima! I had never considered the issue that way. You are way smarter than the people I work with.


Thanks. I have no reason to doubt your word.

Gjernima’s Solution for the “Gypsy Plague”, aka the “American Dream for Gypsies” Project

albanian romaAdilim Gjernima and several other representatives from the Albanian-American community held a conference this Saturday where they suggested the  “American Dream for Gypsies” project. Gjernima told the AP that this project would be the final solution for the
Gypsy Plague . The “American Roma child from AlbaniaDream for Gypsies”, as the title itself suggests it, offers a new opportunity to gypsies. It  consists of the granting of green cards for Tirana’s gypsy community and the building a new gypsy neighborhood in San Francisco.  Gjernima told the AP that he is willing to pay up to 40 million US dollars in order to finance the project. Said Gjernima:

“It will look just like Brrakaj, but in a different country.  For the Gypsy community this might be the true opportunity to live the American Dream.  There are some angry NGOs out there who hate my project, but the Albanian Gypsy Community’s representatives loved it, so I’m still quite optimistic.”

Xhevri Bajrami, the leader of the Albanian Gypsy Community said:

“Gjernima told us that  we won’t face discrimination here in San Francisco, since the local community respects different cultures and lifestyles. They are also very wealthy and kind to poor people, which is great for us. And most of all, we are going to live in a country led by a gypsy, one of our kind, president Barack Obama himself.”

“Green cards, a new home and a new life in a better country. This is the best news I have ever heard in years…it is almost unbelievable! I cannot wait for this to happen.”

Trey Parker and Matt Stone Announce that their new South Park Episode is Going to Take Place in Albania

Matt Stone 2009
Matt Stone speaking at the Universal Hilton Hotel on January 9, 2009 in Universal City, California.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone announced today that their next South Park episode is going to take place in Albania, as a tribute to Adilim Gjernima, their Albanian-American friend.  This episode features Cartman being kidnapped by Marko Hoxha, the villain from the movie Taken and sold as a male prostitute in Bari, Italy where is major clientele are queer jews.

The Emmy-awarded South Park was first aired in 1997 and has been one of the most popular shows in America ever since. Adilim Gjernima, who labels himself as “a libertarian but not one of those anarchist aholes”,  is a hardcore South Park fan who appreciates the shows witty political humor and regularly hangs out with its creators. He has also supported Trey Parker and Matt Stone by sending them his own lawyers during the famous case “Tom Cruise inside the closet vs South Park”.

“It has been a great pleasure for us. He’s not only an awesome guy, but has filled us up with great episode ideas.” – commented Parker  for the AP.