Gjernima Donates Five Million USD to Illyrian Liberation Army

Adilim Gjernima shocked the American press when he announced this Friday that he had donated five million US dollars to the ILA  (Illyrian Liberation Army), a radical Albanian organization. The ILA advocates for the  mass expulsion of Slavs from the Balkan peninsula and the creation of an Illyrian nation which will consist of modern day Albania, Kosovo, FYROM,  Bosnia-Herzegovina  and Serbia.

The Illyrian Liberation Army, founded in July 1997 by Themistokli Hoxha, has reached over 1000 members since US president Barack Obama abandoned America’s missile defense in Eastern Europe.

Regional experts argue that support for the extremist organization has risen steadily because many Albanians believe that the ILA is the only existing organization which will help defending against a Russian or even a Serbian invasion.

Meanwhile,  Adilim Gjernima’s public image has been badly shaken in America. In the face of mounting critcism,  the young entrepreneur promised that he would explain himself very soon.

Public Intellectual Noam Chomsky commented:

“Hmm! Russia has nice literature. There is no reason why the Slavic motherland should be destroyed. ILA’s claims on Russia pulling the world economy’s strings are completely false. I don’t think that the Slavs were responsible for 9/11 either.”

Gjernima’s good friend, entertainer/magician Penn Jillette:

This is outrageous!   He used to be a nice guy until  he jumped the shark and allied with terrorists.  Adilim Gjernima is bullshit!

Hans Blix, an UN official:

Russia is going to face serious consequences if it doesn’t give up its illegal settlements on Illyrian territory.

How Gjernima lost 20 million dollars: The Cheating Detector Device

cheating-detector-implantMr. Gjernima, what inspired you to create the Cheating Detector Device ?

Actually, my idea is not very original. I was watching an episode of The X-Files with those neck implant things, and I thought: “Hey, perhaps Adilim should use a similar technology for tracking people!”

But after thinking about the idea more carefully, it started sounding very unprofitable. Google is way more comfortable, stealthy and efficient than a neck implant. But still, some people might want 24/7  information on a certain person’s location, such as married people who want to make sure that their partners are not cheating on them.

The X-Files? I’d never think you liked that show…

I don’t!  The only reason why I watch it is because that detective chick is smokin’ hot!

No offense, but that’s a very stupid justification for watching a show.

If I’m stupid just because I am wasting 45 minutes of my life watching  a certain show because I think that the female lead is hot, then the rest of Americans who wasted 4 years of their country’s life by voting Obama just because he was charismatic must be f’ing morons!

Anyways, let’s get back to our topic. Anne Wojcicki once told me that when humans are aroused, the heat in their genitals increases.

And that’s all I needed. We teamed up with some scientists and after a year of hard work and research, we finally created our first CDD. It is inserted in the back of the neck and connected with the nervous system, where it gathers information about the hormone flow and body heat. This information is then uploaded to the internet, where it can be accessed by our clients. Here is where the fun part begins: with a simple GPS device you can track your beloved one’s location and find out if they are cheating or not.  The insertion procedure costs about 2000 USD, while the device itself is 9400 USD. As you can see, knowing if your spouse is being loyal is a luxury that only millionaires can afford.

We thought that Saudi men from the royal family would be the perfect customers for this type of product. So we put our first and unfortunately last at the Riyadh Trade Center. None of them were sold…

Why is that so?

Damn Saudis never let their wives get out of their homes! So what the fuck is the point of tracking your wife with a GPS when she’s always at home?!

I’m so pissed off with all this crap!

Alright, Adilim. I think we are finished.

Thank you Krasniq, now I can finally watch some South Park.

Gjernima’s Solution for the “Gypsy Plague”, aka the “American Dream for Gypsies” Project

albanian romaAdilim Gjernima and several other representatives from the Albanian-American community held a conference this Saturday where they suggested the  “American Dream for Gypsies” project. Gjernima told the AP that this project would be the final solution for the
Gypsy Plague . The “American Roma child from AlbaniaDream for Gypsies”, as the title itself suggests it, offers a new opportunity to gypsies. It  consists of the granting of green cards for Tirana’s gypsy community and the building a new gypsy neighborhood in San Francisco.  Gjernima told the AP that he is willing to pay up to 40 million US dollars in order to finance the project. Said Gjernima:

“It will look just like Brrakaj, but in a different country.  For the Gypsy community this might be the true opportunity to live the American Dream.  There are some angry NGOs out there who hate my project, but the Albanian Gypsy Community’s representatives loved it, so I’m still quite optimistic.”

Xhevri Bajrami, the leader of the Albanian Gypsy Community said:

“Gjernima told us that  we won’t face discrimination here in San Francisco, since the local community respects different cultures and lifestyles. They are also very wealthy and kind to poor people, which is great for us. And most of all, we are going to live in a country led by a gypsy, one of our kind, president Barack Obama himself.”

“Green cards, a new home and a new life in a better country. This is the best news I have ever heard in years…it is almost unbelievable! I cannot wait for this to happen.”